Author: Aspie ADog

Every February 14^th, Valentine’s Day comes and goes. I’ve never really found the overcommercialisation that comes with it appealing. Why all that potentially undermines the principle of the day, if it even had one to start with, is perhaps best saved for The Analytical Aspie. Over here, The Aspie is more focused on me and why I have NEVER been in a relationship and why I’m not sure I even want to be in one in the first place. And it’s not just because of the fact I’m autistic…

Let’s start with the fact that a relationship has never really been top of my priority list. When I was in school, I primarily focused on the academics and trying to keep it together socially. I had practically no interaction whatsoever with teenage girls, never went out to teenage discos and never really socialised with anyone outside of school. Things didn’t really change when I went to college for the first time. And as I’ve gone through my 20s, while I have a much clearer idea of where I would prefer to shop in the Love Market, I’ve not really had the motivation or the enthusiasm to actually go out there and do it.

The first reason why is the modern state of the Love Market itself. I’m not going to bore you with dry statistics or the opinions of “experts” in this field. I’m just going to explain how I view it as an autistic amateur to it all. The long and short of it, in my eyes, is that the traditional image of a blind date in a restaurant or something similar is still there. But as the internet has evolved, dating website after dating website has sprung up, offering more choice, more scope, and more segments to cater for everyone’s desires and fantasies. Unfortunately, it’s an evolution that makes dating much harder for me. The problem I see is that all too often, people are one thing on the internet and another thing in real life. And while I’m in favour of getting a sense of what a person could be like through what they get up to online, I don’t think it’s a foolproof test. Especially if that online energy doesn’t transfer over to a real date or they end up revealing themselves to be a Catfish or a Romance Fraudster. But even if they are not, some modern real-life dates may start or end up in one of the places I listed in my last post as environments you would never find me in, at least right now. Or maybe some of this list of places recommended for dates wanting to do something different.

But even if I am able to arrange a date in a reasonable location, my problems don’t stop. The next one is the most important for me personally and that’s the issue of how do I tell a potential other half that I have autism? I’ve already explained how complicated I can be as a person day-to-day. And I believe broaching the subject will lead to one of the following outcomes:

• A partner decides they don’t want to spend the rest of their life with someone who occassionally struggles to manage their hidden disability and walks away.
• A partner may decide my personality isn’t compatable with theirs and walks away before autism is even discussed.
• Or a partner may decide that they are committed to helping me overcome barriers, achieve things in life and manage my autism as best we can as a couple.

I’m sure most of you will consider the third outcome to be the best and hope that will become a reality for me one day. But even so, other problems come right after this one.

I’ll categorise all that follows under one heading: Clashes of Interest. Now I’m not focusing on the stereotypical quarrels all couples face such as who gets control of the Smart TV and who cooks and cleans day-in and day-out. Those things mostly resolve themselves naturally. Instead, I’m more focused on big ticket items, starting with whether to adopt or have children naturally. I personally would NEVER want to become a father for a key reason I’ll explain in a future post. But if I had to choose, I would prefer adoption because I fear I would have too many meltdowns while managing the typical stages of development of a healthy baby and would prefer to adopt someone from the age of about… 7 Years-Old. Maybe slightly older. Although a partner who desires having Kids because they enjoy being around Kids in the generally accepted sense would find me quite a challenge. But I have my reasons that are worth a self-contained post!

The other Clashes of Interest, or things that I would find a challenge in a relationship, include striking the balance between career and pleasure. Yes it is important to have an income so that bills can be paid, but how much work should be offset by living life, whatever that means? Speaking of pleasure, another is the question of sex. Do we want to be vanilla, experimental, or adventurous? Perhaps with other people. Truth be told, I don’t have any experience at all but have a reasonable idea of what all three modes can be, at least on paper. Which begs the question, how do I push myself out of my comfort zone for starters, before returning the favour for main course or dessert?

And finally, there’s the political side of one’s personality. I would describe my politics as swinging between centre-left and centre-right, depending on the issue of the day. I personally would never go to extremes because nuance and context are things that exist. You might actually see some of it in future seasons of this Blog, if I can get that far with it. But the danger comes when I’m forced to navigate minefields with someone who possibly clashes with me politically. Examples include the Transgender Trail, the Palestine Puzzle and the Immigration Enigma. Why? Because I don’t have any firm opinions on those issues and more because of how complex and steeped in troubling history they are. So, for the moment, I’d prefer not to have my foot blown off me by an emotionally charged bomb, and anyone who is clearly trying to navigate me towards such a thing is trouble. At least until I can counterpoint like a debating champion.

Overall, at this moment in time, I feel it’s better for me if I stay single because of a huge number of things I can’t juggle in my head successfully and, more importantly, would be very damaging to a relationship in the long-term. Which you could say is me feeling that I need to have all my ducks in a row before I even get started with dating.

But that’s just me. Have you felt the same way at some point and find this post relatable? Or am I overthinking it and almost sounding irrational? I’m keen to hear what you have to say about my particular predicament. Share your comments, advice and stories (of success and failure) below or send them to my various inboxes which you’ll find on the Information & Contact Me page.

Next time on The Aspie… Okay, so I don’t even play First Base. But there are actual games I DO play often! On my Tablet.

This has been The Aspie behind The ADog Blog speaking by myself, for myself. Unlike Autism Speaks.

In my last post, I explained in general terms how autism affects me. Today, I want to explain the times when the environment around me becomes too hot to handle, leading to me suffering what’s called a Meltdown or a Sensory Overload. I actually have a metaphorical name for my specific collection of triggers that I’ll explain in a moment. I’ll also be identifying certain environments that I know will bring that collection to the fore and asking you at home to offer insight that might remove some of them from this post in the future.

First thing’s first, the metaphorical name I have for what triggers a meltdown generally is the Fire Shape. I call it that because having a meltdown can feel like the brain and the department that processes stimuli is on fire because of too much coming into it at once. My specific shape is a Triangle because there are three things that can come together to cause that fire if conditions are right. And I use the word specific because every person reacts to things differently and some autistic people naturally have more or less items that feed their own fire. In essence, your mileage may vary when it comes to a meltdown.

So what are the triggers that feed my Meltdowns? Well, it’s the three C’s on the SmartArt graphic above. But what do they mean, specifically? The first C, Crowds, refers to the amount of people in an environment. The more people packed in, the more likely I am to freak out, although I don’t consider myself to have anthropophobia (an irrational fear of people). However, feeling uncomfortable being in a sea of people is only compounded by the inclusion of the second C, Chaos. Chaos refers to the actual activity taking place in the environment. It almost always has an undercurrent of noise, but when there is too much of it, I either shut down completely or just cusp my ears until the decibels drop. The final C, Confusion, refers to my understanding and awareness of how to navigate the environment as a whole. When I have both, I generally get on with the activity at hand (unless it is too chaotic or there are too many people present). When I don’t, I become frustrated and panicky because I generally don’t like walking into the unknown or have the unexpected thrown on top of me.

In fact, I have an anecdote that I think encapsulates the Fire Triangle in action. In November 2023, I attended a Job Shadow event in Northern Trust. The day was going well so far, as it mostly consisted of information on how to keep my CV up-to-date, my interview performance sharp, and some tidbits about the company. But it went downhill when it came to the Networking Lunch which, as the name suggests, involved networking with Northern Trust employees while eating lunch provided in the kitchenette at the opposite end of where the presentations up to that point were being made. The room quickly became swamped by Northern Trust employees (Crowds) all engaging in conversations that became collectively loud (Chaos). I did engage with people who sat next to me at a table and said hello, however my shoulders become hunched and I felt more and more uncomfortable having all that noise circling in the background as I struggled to figure out what I was supposed to be doing in that moment (Confusion). I mean, was I supposed to be trying to talk to people amongst all the noise? If so, who and where and how? Eventually, I took myself out of that room and sat in a soundproof pod for a spell until all calmed down. I also gave the organisers the feedback that anyone who feels overwhelmed should be free to use that Soundproof Pod if they need it, which they greatly appreciated. And that’s what generally should happen when I feel overcome by too much noise. Either that or I just don’t bother showing up unless reasonable measures are in place to make sure I can cope. Which links nicely to the next page of this post.