In my last post, I explained in general terms how autism affects me. Today, I want to explain the times when the environment around me becomes too hot to handle, leading to me suffering what’s called a Meltdown or a Sensory Overload. I actually have a metaphorical name for my specific collection of triggers that I’ll explain in a moment. I’ll also be identifying certain environments that I know will bring that collection to the fore and asking you at home to offer insight that might remove some of them from this post in the future.
First thing’s first, the metaphorical name I have for what triggers a meltdown generally is the Fire Shape. I call it that because having a meltdown can feel like the brain and the department that processes stimuli is on fire because of too much coming into it at once. My specific shape is a Triangle because there are three things that can come together to cause that fire if conditions are right. And I use the word specific because every person reacts to things differently and some autistic people naturally have more or less items that feed their own fire. In essence, your mileage may vary when it comes to a meltdown.
So what are the triggers that feed my Meltdowns? Well, it’s the three C’s on the SmartArt graphic above. But what do they mean, specifically? The first C, Crowds, refers to the amount of people in an environment. The more people packed in, the more likely I am to freak out, although I don’t consider myself to have anthropophobia (an irrational fear of people). However, feeling uncomfortable being in a sea of people is only compounded by the inclusion of the second C, Chaos. Chaos refers to the actual activity taking place in the environment. It almost always has an undercurrent of noise, but when there is too much of it, I either shut down completely or just cusp my ears until the decibels drop. The final C, Confusion, refers to my understanding and awareness of how to navigate the environment as a whole. When I have both, I generally get on with the activity at hand (unless it is too chaotic or there are too many people present). When I don’t, I become frustrated and panicky because I generally don’t like walking into the unknown or have the unexpected thrown on top of me.
In fact, I have an anecdote that I think encapsulates the Fire Triangle in action. In November 2023, I attended a Job Shadow event in Northern Trust. The day was going well so far, as it mostly consisted of information on how to keep my CV up-to-date, my interview performance sharp, and some tidbits about the company. But it went downhill when it came to the Networking Lunch which, as the name suggests, involved networking with Northern Trust employees while eating lunch provided in the kitchenette at the opposite end of where the presentations up to that point were being made. The room quickly became swamped by Northern Trust employees (Crowds) all engaging in conversations that became collectively loud (Chaos). I did engage with people who sat next to me at a table and said hello, however my shoulders become hunched and I felt more and more uncomfortable having all that noise circling in the background as I struggled to figure out what I was supposed to be doing in that moment (Confusion). I mean, was I supposed to be trying to talk to people amongst all the noise? If so, who and where and how? Eventually, I took myself out of that room and sat in a soundproof pod for a spell until all calmed down. I also gave the organisers the feedback that anyone who feels overwhelmed should be free to use that Soundproof Pod if they need it, which they greatly appreciated. And that’s what generally should happen when I feel overcome by too much noise. Either that or I just don’t bother showing up unless reasonable measures are in place to make sure I can cope. Which links nicely to the next page of this post.
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