The Aspie #2 – Explaining… Autism 101 (Part 2): Reality of The Hallmarks

Socialisation

This means how I interact with people in real life and, to a degree, online. In summary, I am much better at a one-on-one interaction than I am in a large group. One thing I have always struggled with is connecting with people around me on a deep and meaningful level. It’ll probably be much clearer why as this season progresses. But to give you an idea, I never found the dominant interests in school of soccer, GAA, rugby, commonly streamed video games, things like that appealing. I also didn’t go to Teenage Discos, hang out with anyone outside of school at all or have extra-curricular activities. I was always reserved when it came to describing my interests and things I saw that caught my eye and I never really talked about them with anyone. More on school life in general in a future series of posts.

Back to the present, and how I am daily. Which depends on the day you meet me. Sometimes, I can burst into a spell of being productive for several days before dropping off and just doing what I need to do to get by. Other times, I just want to be lost in my own world or whatever my brain directs me to before getting that productive burst again. I definitely am more introverted than extroverted on balance. I usually crawl into my shell when I’m surrounded by a lot of people and frequently retreat to quiet spaces when it gets too noisy. Or just don’t bother attending environments where I know I am going to be very anxious and possibly have a meltdown (the subject of next week’s post).

I wouldn’t say I am selfish but I often have to put myself first in certain situations because I don’t think making it obvious that I am uncomfortable in an environment is productive. Especially if I then have to explain why to people who might treat me stupid if I don’t give a response they like. I therefore take the view that if I’m not okay, how am I supposed to make others feel okay? Speaking of which, I don’t think empathy is totally beyond me, contrary to the stereotypical view that Aspies are often cold and unloving of other people. But even so, I find empathy a really difficult emotion to bring out of myself naturally and consistently. One possible reason for this is the fact I’ve watched plenty of video essays about people who faked or manipulated people into believing they have the worst cards life can deal to you, only for that to turn out not to be the case or part of a wider grift.

Now, some people like to take those fringe cases to be some sort of norm, but I am someone who embraces nuance and takes the stance that yes, people like Mini Ladd, for example, exist and should be treated with scepticism and scorn, but you also shouldn’t paint everyone in a relatively similar situation with the same brush. Having said that, I personally do not want to hear about people’s deepest personal problems or traumas up front because I almost always have no idea how to react, what to say or what to advise. And when I have given it a go from the outside, it ends up being as subtle as a car crash. Or comes across as me having a ‘Press X to Doubt’ mind-set. The fact is, I have no personal experience of SA, CSA, Rape, or terrible things like that. I have no formal training in terms of how to interact with people who have been through those things or worse. I also lack knowledge in terms of being able to identify risks, raise red flags and escalate to action when necessary. I think having such formal training would make having those conversations easier and allow me to approach people with the compassion and empathy they need and expect. But at the same time, I don’t want to be led up the garden path and sold snake oil. It’s like walking a tightrope. Very high-risk and a delicate balancing act. Not the kind of risk I want to undertake when the other two sections of this Blog enter the conversation later this season. At least right now.

In fact, I’m generally a risk-adverse person in the sense that I am often unwilling to throw myself into anything that looks way above my weight class and / or more likely to bring more harm than good. Some of the following list will receive their own self-contained posts, but examples of things I consider more likely to bring more harm than good include drinking alcohol, engaging in action in the bedroom, learning to drive and being on TV. I’m one of those people that needs a compelling reason for doing something before I do it. Although when it comes to consuming alcohol, for example, nothing will ever convince me to have that first pint. Not even a Guinness, which some might call sac-religious coming from Ireland but… I’m not a typical Irish person to begin with!

What I can be though, at my worst, is The Anti-ADog. This abrasive side of me was briefly mentioned in my last post but it’s time to introduce it properly. Here is what it is in general terms:

When I was a teenager, I definitely displayed the whole lot. It mostly came out as a result of frustration at the social environment on the day, whether that was because of something randomly dropped on me which I either had no idea how to manage or I reacted very badly to. Or a change in environment threw me off balance and, like me at swimming lessons in Primary School, I had no idea where to go or what to do and I had no one I could confidently ask to put me in the right direction.

I was sometimes Aggressive in airing my frustration, mostly because I didn’t know of a healthier way of expressing it and my 14, 15, 16, even 17-Year-Old brain couldn’t process things the way I try to now. I was also definitely Dismissive of anything that did not sound right to me immediately simply because I developed a specific idea in my head of how things should go and any deviation from it was deemed unacceptable by me. And rather than dig a bit deeper, like I aspire to now, I just lashed out and came across as Obnoxious as well. And even though I didn’t swear like Gordon Ramsay, at the same time, I did sometimes mimic his reactions to when a station in his kitchen is going down in flames or the chef is making pathetic mistakes. Have I repeated history as an adult in my 20s? Well, yes. But in my defence, we all do at times in life and the way the COVID-19 Pandemic affected me did not help whatsoever. However, a breakdown in communication and comprehension on both sides of the coin also doesn’t help matters, which I will elaborate on next.